


Literally Nothing (Left as an Option)

by Anonymous



Category: Literally Hitler (Web Series)
Genre: About to Die Sex, F/M, Hitler Stays Out of the Bedroom, I Think Their Last Names Are Accurate, I have tagged Hitler more times than a reasonable person ever should, Non-Explicit Sex, One Shot, Poorly Translated German, Sibling Incest, THANKFULLY, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 04:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18909232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/





	Literally Nothing (Left as an Option)

It’s not often that you get a letter that makes you fear for your life. Maybe one that mildly inconveniences you – like an unexpected bill or even a notice of eviction. (Which had actually happened … once. That had been a whole debacle.)

Then again, it’s also not often that you get letters that are, well, _literally_ from Hitler. The man himself, the bloodthirsty dictator (who _died_ a long time ago. But that had never really seemed to inconvenience him, in retrospect.)

But Audrey Oddenberry … had been down this road once before, many years ago. And she _also_ thought that she’d reached the end of it. Until the letter showed up in the mailbox one day, the envelop smudged and stained and the parchment inside reading only “ _Ich verstehe diese komplizierte Übersetzungsmaschine, die ich erhalten habe, nicht, aber ich möchte euch wissen lassen, dass ich im Begriff bin, Ihnen etwas zu zeigen, das, wie Sie den Kindern sagen, die Augen aus dem Kopf schlagen lässt._ ”

Which her phone told her contained only a muddled reference to being beaten until her eyes fell out of her head, as well as strange machines.

And it was signed, of course. “ _Aufrichtig, Hitler._ ”

It was at this point that Audrey started to panick a little bit and basically sprinted inside from the mailbox, slamming the letter on the counter and calling the only person she could reasonably expect to be of any support in this situation.

“I’ll be right over,” her brother said.

And he was – though he wasn’t very happy when he _did_ show up.

“I thought he was gone for good!” Victor exclaimed, running his hands through his hair. “It’s been how many years now? Didn’t you say he was fine with painting or whatever?”

“That’s what I _thought_!” Audrey returned, equally perturbed, to say the least. “I still follow his DeviantArt account, and he just posts … you know, furry foot fetish art, but it’s better than mass murder, right?”

“Yes?”

“Well, yeah, obviously. But what now?”

Victor frowned. “I don’t know? You talked him out of it before, can’t you do it again?”

“Victor… that only worked because he was depressed after our mom kicked him out after poisoning you.”

“Well, I doubt being poisoned is going to help again. So what _do_ we do?”

Audrey blinked. “I don’t know? You’re the smart one.”

“Right, right.” He shook his head. “I don’t know, though. Wait for him? Wait and try to beat him up when he gets here?”

“I suppose?” She glanced over at her kitchen cupboards. “Are we gonna get all Home Alone on him or something? I can boil water if we need to.”

“I was hoping that you had a gun or something, not … boiling water.”

“No, no gun. I have a _stun_ gun, I guess? But I’m out of barbs for it anyway.”

“That… that’s not gonna help.” Her brother frowned. “Wait, can he even feel pain?”

“I don’t know? All I know is that he’s _literally_ Hitler, and he’s gonna be here soon.”

Victor sighed. “Trust me, I’m well aware.”

“So what-”

_BANG BANG_

“ _Is that him_?” Victor hissed, cutting his sister off. “ _I thought you said that you got that letter today!”  
  
“How am _I _supposed to be able to predict what_ Hitler _does_?”

“Kinder, ich komme mit der größten Macht!”

“ _So what now_?”

Audrey grabbed her brother’s arm, panicking. “I don’t know! I don’t really wanna die!”

“Neither do I!”

“Ach, diese Tür ist extrem dumm und sollte weg sein.”

“I think he just called us ‘extremely dumb’, so… I don’t think we’re going to get to make that choice.”

“Great,” Victor returned sarcastically. “I hadn’t noticed. And to think I’m going to die a virgin, too.”

Audrey rolled her eyes. “Well, if it’s _that_ important to you, I can certainly fix _that_ , at least.” She grabbed her brother’s shoulders and yanked him as forcefully as she could towards her, pumping out the biggest, sloppiest kiss she could manage in the space of zero point two seconds.

“AUDREY!” he exclaimed, jerking back. “Wh- what was that!?”

“Does it even _matter_?” she snarked. “You’re oh-so-concerned about your virginity and we’re gonna die anyway, hmm?”

He blinked, and she hadn’t quite expected his next reaction – but he only shrugged at the end. “You’re not _wrong_ , I guess.” And he threw his arms around her and pulled her in close, something which took her entirely by surprise at first. But the banging on her front door was getting louder, and her door wouldn’t hold forever, and if he – her overly cautious, reserved brother – was down, well…

She shoved her face against his and lifted her legs, wrapping them around his waist as he stumbled backwards into the couch. His hands slid down and then crept under her shirt. She pushed her own pelvis against his crotch, all the while kind of wondering how this was actually supposed to help but simultaneously not really sure if that mattered anymore, either.

“OH MIE, was machen die Kinder in diesen Tagen! Ich... Wollte nur ein Gemälde zeigen! Meine armen, armen Augen!”

They both froze, turning to see none other than Hitler filling their vision, clinging onto a canvas of some kind, his eyes quite wide. He blinked, holding it up. “Art.”

Audrey blinked herself, turning just slightly to share a glance with her brother. “Oh.”

“Ich … I was going to “make your eyes pop out”, as you Kinder say.”

“That… that is not what your letter said,” Victor spoke awkwardly.

Hitler rolled his eyes. “That Übersetzungsmaschine. I hate it.” Then he suddenly seemed to seized by embarrassment. “But I… should probably be going. You Kinder… do what Kinder do, I guess. What has society come to?” He awkwardly backed out the door, step by step, leaving Audrey and Victor alone on the couch.

“It was art,” Audrey said slowly.

“And a mistranslation,” her brother added.

She nodded. “Yup.”

Victor cleared his throat, looking torn between not wanting to move and wanting to pull his hands out from under her shirt. “Right, so...”

“Um.” Audrey swallowed.

They stared at each other for moment while grinning awkwardly.

“Are you actually a virgin still?” she eventually asked.

Victor looked at her from under a lowered brow. “Really, Audrey?”

She shrugged. “I mean, we’ve come this far. We _can_ still solve that. At least that way it’d be a two-way street, you know?”

“… if you say so.”

“I do.”

“Well, I didn’t say _no_ , I guess.”

Audrey grinned. “Good.”

“Wait, hang on.” He held up a hand, pointing in the direction of her front door. “Your door is still missing. Let’s just … move into the bedroom, or something.”

“Fair enough.”


End file.
